Old Habits

I am partially cured.

Well, as long as I take my meds. And as long as I write things down.

I continue to take Concerta and it does wonders for me. As I’ve written, it clears the muddled thoughts and enables me to think clearly through things. It also slows me down enough that I am slower to anger or frustration.

What it doesn’t do is break my habits or eliminate distractions.

I am working on little things, though, and making small strides. I now write things down much more than I used to and I can thank technology for that. I also found a great reminder app for the iPhone called Due that will persistently notify you about a todo item until you snooze or clear it. I am forgetting less.

It’s the bigger things I continue to have trouble with as I wrote about over 6 months ago. Sigh.

 

Or perhaps I need to reframe self-improvement as “living” and get on with it.

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~ by Jay on January 27, 2012.

3 Responses to “Old Habits”

  1. I’m sure George Carlin would say that you’re either cured, or you’re not (in the same spirit that inspired his routine about near-misses — either the plane/car/vehicle of your choice missed a collision, or it didn’t.) I know what you mean, but partially cured suggests the possibility of being cured, which feels like an impossibility with ADD; keeping in mind that this is my grouchy opinion of the moment. I might be cheerier and more optimistic later on.

    You mentioned that Concerta works for you, that you’re keeping lists, but you’re still prone to distraction, feelings of loneliness. I wonder if these qualities are open to amendment. They might be the bedrock of ADD; immutable. As constant as the ground beneath your feet. How you get through the day while standing on that foundation seems a better measure of success, rather than working toward a cure; of erasing or masking the underpinnings of ADD.

    I’ve been calling myself an ADDict for awhile because once an addict, always an addict; though with luck a recovering addict. I wake every morning as a recovering alcoholic wakes: knowing that I’ll always be tested by my disease/disability. I have ADD, I’ll always have ADD, and every day I do my best to change what I can and accept the rest.

    If I can end the day without regret, without shame, without self-inflicted bruises from wall-bashing, it’s a success.

    When I write these comments, I’m writing them to myself, as well as to you. This is the sort of thing I think about every day. I don’t have a handle on my ADD. I throw out the words in the hope that they’ll spontaneously assemble as hand and foot holds. I need something to grab. ADD is too slippery, elusive, a mud slide. If it’s my foundation, it’s slick as ice. I’m always falling.

    Writing gives me the illusion of control. Sometimes the illusion is enough.

    • Mark, I don’t remember if I ever told you that I am also an “ADDict”. Been sober (not drinking) for 9 years..ooops not yet, but if I don’t drink before March 17th 2012 and I’m still alive, and I don’t see any reasons I won’t be or to worry that I will die before then, I will be able to say it. And you and I both know it will kill us if we do drink again (type2 diab). So that, for me would be a act of suicide (yet slower or maybe less painfull between hangovers). So in a way I could say that I have 2 choices. I know what the right choice should be, and if I make the right choice today, then that’s all that really matters…….today.

      Sounds good, but there’s a problem, I have ADD and today may be a crappy day, because no matter what, even though my ADD meds exactly like they are supposed to work, they don’t write notes down, they don’t make stuff I don’t to do go away. But as Jay was saying about his meds(not the same as mine though)they do supply the chemicals required that affect my mood,anger,stress(all are connected to WORRY)and I have some better odds that are in my favor to do what needs to be done. I will fall tommorro or maybe not. All I can do is try to remember to make notes or whatever seems to have worked best over the last few yrs.

      I still have some of the same bad habits, so I can’t define them as “Old Habits” . I use illusion quite often.

  2. It’s always a pleasure to get comments on my posts. Thanks, guys.

    My tongue was certainly somewhere in my cheek when I wrote “partially cured”. As Scott writes, the meds do something, but they don’t get shit done for me… Another big drawback is that they don’t extend into the evening (another reason I wrote “partially”) when I need them the most when dealing with the family.

    Mark, your second paragraph really resonates with me. Working with the ADD instead of against it is the secret. Clearly part of me wishes it would just go away, but another part is slowly adopting it as part of my identity.

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