ADD is Ruining my Marriage

My marriage has been rocky for a while now.  The pattern is just as Hallowell explains in Driven to Distraction.  My wife expects something of me (either something I explicitly said I’d do or her implicit expectation of what a good husband does) and I don’t follow through.  There’s an argument and she re-asserts her expectation.  I fail to come through again and the cycle continues.

Just tonight, for example, I came home from work and she said that she was tired.  She’s been fighting a cold for a while now and really needs her rest.  She expected that I’d try to help her get to bed early, although I don’t think she said that explicitly – either way, it doesn’t really matter.  What counts is that I couldn’t hold the idea of getting her to bed in my head.

As the evening drags on, she’s staying up too late and I’m not giving her a friendly reminder to go to sleep. She asks me about making a note to discuss a budget item and that reminds me that we also need to discuss scheduling an appointment with an attorney to draw up some wills.  So, I ask her what days we could do that, again forgetting that she really needs to go to bed.

Finally, she lashes out at me for not helping her get to bed.  I’m somehow not “supporting” her by reminding her to get to bed and by dragging out the evening with questions that can better wait until tomorrow. She’s upset and I now feel like a complete loser.

At one point in this heated discussion, she accused me of doing a “dance” meaning that I’m asking her the questions that can wait and then backing off when I realize they are inappropriate.  Or where I focus on something else other than what’s important at that moment.  I responded, “It’s the fucking ADD!” and after a pause she replied that I am still accountable for my actions.  Whoa.  I thought she understood.

She says she needs someone to lean on at the end of days like this (long day with kids and sick). My only thought is that I am not that person and now I know why.


~ by Jay on December 2, 2008.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: