Am I done discovering?

I chose “discoveringadd” as the URL for this blog because “addled” was not available and I intended the blog to be a description of the journey of learning about ADHD and how best to deal with it.

However, I’m not sure I’ve made any new discoveries for a long time. I haven’t touched a book about ADHD in a year or so. I’ve read ADHD blog posts but they haven’t engaged me (though, Jeff’s post on loneliness came close). I’ve listened to a few teleseminars on ADDClasses.com but don’t feel I’ve learned very much.

Have I hit a plateau or the end? In my last post, I acknowledge that I am not done, but I am not making much progress and am not motivated to do so. Things are good enough. Maybe I’ve made enough progress that I can be OK with that and leave things lie. Or maybe this is just another project that I will not complete.

What do you think?

Old Habits

I am partially cured.

Well, as long as I take my meds. And as long as I write things down.

I continue to take Concerta and it does wonders for me. As I’ve written, it clears the muddled thoughts and enables me to think clearly through things. It also slows me down enough that I am slower to anger or frustration.

What it doesn’t do is break my habits or eliminate distractions.

I am working on little things, though, and making small strides. I now write things down much more than I used to and I can thank technology for that. I also found a great reminder app for the iPhone called Due that will persistently notify you about a todo item until you snooze or clear it. I am forgetting less.

It’s the bigger things I continue to have trouble with as I wrote about over 6 months ago. Sigh.

 

Or perhaps I need to reframe self-improvement as “living” and get on with it.

ADD? What ADD?

I have fallen back into the rut. I am on my meds, everything is relatively OK, and life is busy so I drop the self-coaching and self-improvement (which I still really need) and continue to coast through life.

I stop posting here, reading other ADD blogs, and basically withdraw. Perhaps its partly denial — still.

I’ve been back on Concerta for almost 8 months. I know it is still effective but, as I’ve written before, it is not a wonder drug. I need to work on my life skills and that’s probably why I’m back on this blog. My sub-conscious knows, too.

Back to self-coaching this week.

I hit a triple!

Talk about your ADD moments… Try this on for size:

My wife was downstairs dealing with the laundry. I went down to return a step ladder I had just used. Downstairs, my wife comments that there are 2 baskets of laundry to carry up. I return upstairs empty handed (1).

A little while later, I’m near the door to the basement and hear knocking. I had locked my wife downstairs (2). Also, my wife was holding the cat because I hadn’t closed the door behind me on my way down with the ladder (3).

Not bad for a few minutes’ work.

People have goals?

I’ve started working through The Disorganized Mind and, early on, Ratey’s asking me to write down my short and long-term goals.

Perhaps it’s just me, but I find it hard to think of goals beyond surviving another day and ensuring my family doesn’t starve. Is this a general problem for ADDers? Or, is the fact I have 3 young kids mean I’m temporarily incapable of such thoughts?

Perhaps I am overreacting. I can think of some goals (I’d really like to move to a bigger house in the next 5 years, say) but they seem too mundane to “count”. I’ve got to start somewhere, I suppose.

I Have ADHD. Really.

The results are in and it’s official. I have ADHD.

I don’t have much to report beyond what I summarized in my pervious post, except to correct the low verbal score — my verbal performance is also high in the mid-80th percentile.

Bear in mind that these results are while on Concerta…

The bottom line is I am really smart but can’t plan my way out of a paper bag, though I will improvise quite well, thank you very much.

But, what does it all mean? What do I do now? The psychiatrist said that there is no medication that will address the planning issues, so that option’s out. I really must change my behavior and work on systems to fill this gap. Part of me is still holding on for the quick-fix, but my rational part admits it’s not coming.

Apparently, structure is the answer, but I need to create it in many cases (such as this week at work, where vacations mean meeting-free days). And, look at that! I see Jeff’s reviewed a book that may offer some help on the matter.

Coaching was also suggested. I looked into it, but I cannot afford the hundreds of dollars a month coaches charge. I tried ADD Coaching Club, but was turned off by the group nature and lack of individualized attention. I’m more likely to take another look at Nancy Ratey’s The Disorganized Mind where she outlines how to self-coach.

Evaluation Done – Awaiting Results

The evaluation is over. I was with the psychiatrist for 5 hours… taking many of the tests and puzzles I hate. I was surprised and a little disappointed that there was no computer nor electrodes attached to my scalp.

I won’t know the results for a couple of weeks, but I am very curious. During the testing, she confirmed that I have “visual attention problems” in that I often don’t see things. This explains my frequent problems at the supermarket where I’ll unknowingly pick the wrong product variant (e.g., the butter without salt instead of with).

She was apparently blown away by some of my visual/spacial abilities. My memory is fine.

I am definitely weak in the verbal area, but that isn’t too much of a surprise to me (or readers of my blog… ).

She zeroed in on my “planning” or lack thereof. I attack many problems without a bit of thinking first, leading to inefficient solutions. I was on my meds and they didn’t really help me here.

So, is it ADHD? That is the question. She asked many questions about my school-age years, but my memory is very poor. She looked at samples of my early writing and didn’t see indicators of ADHD (apparently, many ADHD kids have tremors or something that show up in their writing – mine was exceptionally neat).

She emphasized that I’m very intelligent, like 90th percentile intelligent, but my planning is down in the 10th percentile.

As a perpetual self-critic, my take away was, “If I’m so smart, how can I be so bad at planning? What a loser.”

Sigh. Stay tuned for the official results.

I Must be OK

It’s not hard to see my major blogging trend – if things are bad, I’m blogging. I haven’t blogged since August so things must be going well.

I think I’ve tweaked the beta-blocker dosage to the point it is working effectively. I’m now getting the benefit of Concerta I remember before without the heart palpitations. Of course, I am not superman and I continue to procrastinate, forget things, etc but at least I am getting more done than off meds.

I also decided to undergo neuropsychology testing to confirm the ADHD diagnosis and see what else might be messing with me. That’s less than 2 weeks away now. I’m looking forward to it. (I’m also curious as to why I’m allowed to take Concerta the day of. How can that not mess with the results??)

I should be back to report on the testing, unless my world falls apart before then.

Structure and ADHD

When I first tried Ritalin and Concerta, I thought they were wonder-drugs and practically a cure for ADD. However, as time went on, it was clear that I was not cured. I still had trouble prioritizing my work, planning ahead, and still found myself drifting off task (although, much less than when unmedicated). At first I blamed my behavior on old habits I needed to change and, to some extent, that’s true but I think there’s more.

Concerta is excellent at helping me focus. I can apply myself to problem solving or working through drudge work with far fewer distractions than without the medication.

What I’ve had trouble figuring out is why my weekends were so different than my work days. At work, I feel like a horse chomping on the bit, eager to move onto the next task. At home, I float from thing to thing and wonder if I even took the Concerta.

Occasionally, I have a “bad” day at work and wonder if the medication is working. However, every weekend is the same.

Today, I realized that what’s missing from my weekends and some work days is structure. My medication-granted powers of concentration are wasted if I’m not sure how to apply them. I also have problems when the task I am focusing on is ill-defined.

I do much better if I have a list of well-defined tasks. The lesson is obvious – start the day by planning the day. Mungo recently wrote about Getting Things Done, which is a system I also try to use and can help in this area.

Plan the day. Now, that’s a well-defined task I can focus on.

I’m Back Baby!

After no ill effects from a full day on Propranolol, I accelerated my schedule and took Concerta again for the first time in many months.

I feel great! The fog has parted. I can think. Everything seems clearer, brighter. My heart rate is under control (73 bpm!!).

I can’t help but feel optimistic about my current path.

Now, on to getting shit done!